


My Patronus

by Cry_Kitty



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Freeform, Patronus, happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 23:58:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9408407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cry_Kitty/pseuds/Cry_Kitty
Summary: What happens if you´re not able to remember your happiest memory?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I thought about my happiest memory since I first read about the patronus in one of the books. And I came to the conclusion that I don´t have one.

Close your eyes. Think of a happy memory.

“Expecto Patronum!”

I try and fail. Only weak, scattered, milky shadows appear in the cold night air and for some seconds, I can feel the power that rushes through. Though the stream that it came from dies down only a few seconds afterwards and I´m left disappointed and in thoughts.

A happy memory.

There should be something I can think of, something in my past that is strong enough. But why is nothing coming to my mind? I have lived for so many years, breathed in the air of the universe for hours and hours but still, nothing comes to my mind when I think of the word “happiness”.

The people that know me would describe me as a cheerful, agitated person. And that´s right. I´m a person that is very happy, very curious, always looking for something fun.

Every day there are things that make me happy. A stranger smiling at me, getting back a good test, listening to my favourite song, cheering for my favourite band, coming home and eating pizza, there are a million of things that are able to make me smile.

But here I am, not able to remember a time in my life were I felt even more than just a little joy. I try to get into the depths of my mind, somewhere, anywhere has to be a memory of something special, something that has made me burst out in tears of joy, something that has made me feel like I could fly.

But here I am, trying to search for something that doesn't exist. Or does it? It has too. It´s impossible to have lived for 6483 days without knowing what it feels like to get swept off your feet by a feeling that is overwhelming, unlimited happiness.

I try to think of some basic joyful memories.

Christmas, when I was five years old, and got the plush tiger that I wished for so badly and that was taller than me at that time.

It doesn´t work.

My first kiss. Though it happened accidentally, it was a wrong move of a head and my lips met with another pair and before I knew it, I stumbled backwards in surprise.

Of course that didn´t work.

14 years old, opening a present from my best friend. It´s a friendship necklace, she is wearing the other part, it means that we will stay together forever. But we didn´t.

Of course that didn´t work either.

What else? I can´t think of something strong enough to form my Patronus. The memories, which are supposed to be my happiest ones, have turned into bad ones over time. Broken relationships, forgotten sceneries, dusty frames of pictures on my desk.

Is my memory to blame?

I try a few other ones, but none of them make a slivery-fluent guardian appear from my wand. I´m getting curious. What type of guardian will I have? Everyone has a different type and I wonder what my special form of animal will look like.

Will it be a dog because of my loyalty? Will it be a falcon because of my strong urge of freedom? Will it be a rabbi because of my habit of turning shy when I'm insecure? Or will it be a lion, because of my temper?

In the end, it won't be anything.

Since I first read about the Patronus, I tried to remember my happiest memory. How much time has passed since then?

But here I am, not able to recall the happiest moment of my life, not able to enchant a guardian that will fight for me and keep me safe.  
No. It can´t be. The sudden anger that rises inside of me makes me want to scream out loudly, to hit my fist against something that is solid enough to withstand my fury and desperateness.

There won´t be a guardian to save me.

My memories are not strong enough.

But after all, I am a happy person.

And I come to the conclusion that I don´t need a Patronus to safe me. When the dementors come, I will be strong enough to fight them on my own. Nothing and no one will be able to bring me down because I am stronger than everything standing in my way.

All the small moments add up to a happy life. Each one of them is giving me strength and should someone try to hurt me,

I will fight.


End file.
